And how do you take your cereal?

Ah, breakfast. The food of champions. Or something. Wow, bad start. Anyway, so maybe it's sad that I'm writing a post about cereal. Apparently this is indicative of what goes on in my life. But i say, if you can talk about cereal in an interesting way, then you will never be a boring person. I'm not saying this will be interesting, however. I 'm telling you this now because i didn't want you to get your hopes up.

People are very particular about their cereal. Whether it's if they eat it at all, how much milk they like, what kind they like, what they put on it, whatever. When I was small i enjoyed sweet cereal as much as the next kid. It was a treat. Oh, Captain Crunch. Would that you ceased to shred the insides of my mouth and would that your sugar levels be reduced by 99%. Because i have since crossed over to the boring grown up side of cereal. I hate to say it because I think i'm in denial and saying it somehow makes it true. But it is. I still like to think I enjoy the occasional bowl of Trix or Lucky Charms but inevitably, afterward, all i want to do is dilute my entire body in water or something to excrete all of that sugar. Ew, excrete is such a vivid word.

So here's how I like it.

#1. Boring. Lately I've really been into Bran Flakes. Yes, boring ugly brown Bran Flakes. It's depressing and I bore myself when i eat it. In the recent past, I've typically bought whatever brand of Honey Bunches of Oats but even that can wrench my sweet tooth a tad too much. So i do boring. But, i have to have bananas in my Bran Flakes.

#2. On to the banana. I am very particular about bananas. In my book, the only time a banana is edible is the short window that begins the millisecond after the banana stops being green and the day before one brown spot appears. After that, the banana is no longer known as a banana but is then called "banana bread" in my home. I hate overly ripe bananas. Totally gross. I'd much rather eat a green banana except that banana wax, another made-up term, is annoying. I know you know what I'm talking about. The weird stuff that sticks to your mouth. Blagh.

#3. I like not a lot of milk. Just enough to moisten the flakes but not too much to drown them. I hate being left with milk soup after i'm done with my cereal.

#4. I eat it fast. Maybe this is due to the nature of my cereal--Bran Flakes are likely to soggen pretty quickly. But truthfully, I think, for me, eating cereal just isn't that fun. So i eat it quickly to get it done and gone. I don't think one can really savor a nice bowl of cereal. It's a race against the sog and also boredom.

#5. Relatedly, I think i probably eat way too ginormous mouthfuls of the stuff. This is probably totally foul to witness but today i was realizing as i shoveled as much cereal onto my spoon as i could, how unbecoming I must look and how I am undoubtedly one of those cereal-eaters others deplore. I'll have to ask those around me and see if this is true. Or eat in front of a mirror next time.

#6. I hate eating the last crumbs of the box. Ohhh i hate it so. Who doesn't? But i'm so wasteful. There are 4 boxes of cereal on the shelf right now that, if i were to combine their contents, would probably fill an entire box. True the combination would be totally gross but still. Starving kids, Jen. So i refuse to finish them off and just go buy another box which will inevitably join the graveyard of forgotten cereals. Lately, though, to remedy this, i think i have been forcing myself to eat the cereal dust and I do it so begrudgingly. Who's forcing me, I don't know. But it's laborious.

After having typed this, it's kind of a wonder to me that i even eat cereal at all. Clearly i've depleted all the fun out of it. Maybe I should just go back to Apple Jacks and sacrifice my mouth for nostalgia's sake. Maybe eating cereal really is just a juvenile thing, and celebrating the lingering joys of childhood one bowl at a time is the defining stuff of boring old adulthood.



p.s. I talk about cereal way too much and apparently feel the need to discuss it every 7 months, weirdly.



p.p.s. Happy Leap Year, Feb 29th! See you again in 4 years!