Performance Parenting

Alright, listen. I'm an observer.  That's what I do.  I sit and watch and think while I watch. And I've discovered a new phenomenon. Yes, that's right. ME.  No one else, ever.  Alright, it's nothing new, and there may be varied forms of it, but I'm naming it. Something that is increasingly adding to my amusement and bewilderment is parents who talk to their kid, but for others who may be watching.   I brought this up a few days ago with friends and they confessed to being guilty of this.  One friend said one disciplinary technique her husband uses on their kid is to clap loudly.  She said it is effective and the result is immediate tears.  The problem, she said, is that she worries what the neighbors might think when they hear a loud clapping sound that sounds very much like slapping, immediately followed by crying.  So she responds by loudly over-explaining the situation to clear up any questions anyone who overheard might have-- "Oh, did Dad's clapping startle you? When Dad CLAPPED HIS HANDS?"

While this is most humorous, this is not quite what i mean. It's kind of difficult to explain, because it's so subtle, but I'll try, with a few examples.   There is this subtle line that parents cross to when you just know (or at least I think I do) they are no longer really talking to their child, but to those around them.  And while it amuses me, it makes me feel a bit sad, feeling like they're using their child as a prop.  It's an easy thing to slip to, and i guess we could all be guilty of it at one point or another. I guess.  Here's an example:

Sean and Julian and I were at the pool a week or so ago. It was lunchtime so we wrapped our towels around us and gathered to the eating area and sat at a table for some food.  While there, a mom holding her kid walked by the table and there was a quiet mumbling but this went largely unnoticed, as i was focused on the eating.  It then became clear they were trying to get our attention so I turned and apologized and the mom had the kid (who was 2-3) say again, "could we share your table?"   I responded, "of COURSE!"  and big smiles.  Meanwhile on the inside, i was frowning and tsking.     It wasn't a big deal, but it was a little weird. They were just standing there awkwardly waiting for me to hear their son's tiny sweet voice, making him break the weird ice that didn't even need to be broken.  Don't make your kid talk for you.

 But this isn't really what i'm referring to either.  I feel like there were several moments but i wasn't paying much attention, but at one point while we were sitting and eating, i kept hearing the mom say loudly to her son, "Who taught you to not put your elbows on the table? Who?"  Not in a reprimand, but a "please son, make us proud."   This was repeated maybe 4 times.  And loudly. Your kid's in your lap. How loud do you need to be?  And sure, often we are really just in our own little world, trying to talk to our kid, get his/her attention, resolve an issue, deal with tantrums. But after the 4th time, I was skeptical of that.   While at first i was sitting like this:

By the 4th time, I had slumped even more resolutely:

I wasn't at all sure if her comment was aimed at me. It seems ludicrous to think that it was. perhaps she was just using my bad example as a teaching moment.   Perhaps she assumed I immediately recognized her in the midst of a teaching moment and was waiting for me to play along because not only are we both members of the Mommy Club, but of the Mommies With Kids the Same Age Club. Maybe her kid really did know better manners and she wanted to show off his skills. But guess what? I just don't care. Neither does your kid. And you're really loud.

I'm trying to think of another example.  I'm not sure this fits my description, but again, maybe there are different kinds.  A while ago Julian and I went to the children's museum.  We were sitting at the sand, playing with trucks.  Click here for a visual. I was on a stool, wedged in the crevice by the yellow bucket.  Around me were a few kids and their parents/grandparents.  One woman and her father(?) was there, along with her kid.  Another mom(?) and a grandmother(?) were there with their kid. One mom asked the other "How old is he/she?" (I can't remember)  They responded, "21 months."   "Oh, ours too! When's his/her birthday?"   "Halloween! when's yours'?"   "September ___.  So.. uhh.. I can't remember if it's 20 or 21 months."     (me:  ?)   This went on back and forth for at least 5 more rounds, about their kids' age and birthdays and it just got so inane--i couldn't help myself-- i actually looked up at them with this expression on my face:

I know this makes me seem like a jerk, but C'MON.  Stop the madness!   This is probably not so much Performance Parenting but Caught in the Trap of Kiddie Small Talk, the kind that makes my brain slightly effervesce and then wither.  Nobody noticed me anyway. They were too busy talking about 20 or 21 months.  I wish i could remember the exact conversation because it seriously was ridiculoso, even for Kiddie Small Talk standards. But also, i'm glad i don't.

I wish I had more examples. But you know what i mean, right?? Have you had any experiences? It's just so interesting to me. Oh the phenomena around me.

Dream Dog

Two days ago I lay down on a blanket on a grassy hill and stretched out at a perfect incline. The day was mild--warm, sunny, and eerily NOT damp.  This has been a Sweat Breath summer.  Think of a summer that's super sweaty. Not just your sweat but a general sweatiness all around you. Now add breath to that. Your breath and breath around you. People's breath, the trees' breath. Grass's breath and hot asphalt's stinky breath. Everyone and everything around you is sweating and breathing all over you. Also imagine your sweat breathing and your breath sweating. And that's this summer.  So imagine my surprise shock almost physical discomfort because my skin is unaccustomed to dry pleasant conditions perplexity when the temperature was high 70's-low 80's and dry.  I had fallen into a dream of summer and that i was lying on a grass knoll made it all the more realistic and happy.

(NOTE: When selecting/making up a noun for "perplex," be sure to consult Urban Dictionary first because "perplexion" is ill-advised. FAIL.)

In my happy dreamful state, I reached behind me and looked as far into the back sky as i could when I saw a curious phenomenon.  I saw a rainbow. But not just any rainbow but an almost circular rainbow on a non-rainy day. Nowhere near a rainy day. And it circumferenced the sun, as far as i could tell, which was hidden from view behind some leafy trees. It was pretty glorious and i wasn't sure at all what i was looking at. My view was upside down but I got my phone and took an awkward photo at--i hoped-- the thing in the sky, but it was too bright to see on my phone.

I sent the photo to Scientist Sean who told me it was a "Sun dog!" (he was excited about it).  I thought, that's the worst name ever for something so celestial and didn't think much else. It wasn't until later when he showed me google images for sun dogs that i gasped.  Go ahead and do it. Are you KIDDING ME?  What is going on here?? I felt like I had made First Contact, catching a glimpse of alien happenings that normally go unseen, events too beautiful for mere earthlings.  Who else has seen this?? I demand you tell me.  Why have i never heard of it? And will it ever happen again?  Weather like that is already suspect, but now I'm beginning to think it really was a dream all along. 

WHOA! One more event

I know the Games are over but I thought of this incredibly vital event that I will add to my petition of should-be events:

stilts.

Am i right?!

Marriage Crises

Sorting through some pens, trying to select some to use for an event where they might get lost/taken home/left, etc. 

Jen:  I have gross pens that work, but we will want those, right? I don't want to throw them away. I mean, they're good still.
Sean:  Let's use them.
Jen: But they still work! We don't want to give away all our pens!
Sean theorizing: But if we have enough good pens, then it doesn't matter if you give some of them away, right?
Jen, aghast:  NO! That's not true! You can't give ANY of your good pens away.  You need them ALL.  Don't you know anything about pens?!

And THEN...

A few days ago we were on a cleaning/organizing rampage, sorting through piles and putting everything in its place.  Then Sean left to run an errand.  I came to my desk here and found this.

What does it MEAN? I mean, what's he trying to say?!  I don't have a problem!!  What, i lose them.  So what. It's not like i hoard them, on purpose.  It's just like, the passive aggressiveness of it. It's so presumptuous! You have something to say? Just talk to me directly!  What, do you not approve? What, these tubes cost like $1.75?   I don't have a problem!   

shameful link

DREI!

Julian turns 3 today.  The subject is a shout-out to one of our activities which is counting to ten in different languages. This is meant to make it look like we do lots of brain-stimulating activities and that he is well on his way to being part of the gifted and talented kid crowd.  It may happen (he is our child, afterall)  but it's a very small delusory piece of our actual day-to-day.   Actually what it is is me teaching my child pretty useless bits of information, things i like to instill in myself.  When Encarta '95 came out, i was obsessed and learned so many things in 20 different languages, mostly how to count to ten or say "hello."  I do happen to remember an Albanian proverb if anyone wants to hear.  

Aaanyway, these days Julian's favorite is German, and I admit it's a fun one too. I get quite into it and he has developed a pretty good accent, as far as i can tell.

Things about Julian, and for a reference, here's what was happening when he was dos.

1.  At about 2 1/2, the words really started a-flowin'.   I don't even know what happened. What is going on when a kid goes to bed and wakes up completely different? Literally.  I mean, I'm this close to volunteering his little brain for brain and nighttime studies because seriously, what the hey.   And in just the past 1-2 weeks, we've had yet another nighttime mega-circuitry spazz-out (<-- technical term) going on, almost to the point where i feel unnerved, like i don't really know him anymore. It's weird. But cool i guess.

2. As soon as he could say his r's, Eeyotes completely died, and become Eeyore. I confess, it broke my heart a little. No matter how hard i tried to bring him back, Eeyotes was and will forevermore be Eeyore.  He knew it was supposed to be all along, i guess.  He just couldn't quite say it.  Oh Eeyotes, I miss you.

3. Julian and I took a music class and i don't know which of us loved it more.  I felt so proud when I could do the tricky rhythmic patterns and a few times, Julian surprised me and the teacher with his abilities and I tried not to appear too proud even though i was bursting inside.

4. He likes to be with friends but tends to hang out at the edge.  But he's interacting more and more and is exactly like his ol' ma in this regard.

5. He loves to swim. He loves the beach.  Julian will walk out into the waves and stretch out his arms as if to command the ocean.

6.   Julian loves museums.  He likes the childrens museums but art and science museums as well. Guess it's a good thing we live where we do, eh.

7.  Julian calls Sean "Sean" and it busts me up.  Sometimes he'll call me Jen-fer, which i also love because I remember saying my own name like that when i was small, and also because hardly anyone calls me Jennifer.   But my favorite is when he says in the sweetest little voice full of love and adoration, "Dada."  It's just so cute. Sean thinks it's manipulative but it's not. And I know it sounds like he's saying it like a baby but it's really adorable i swear. You have to hear it!

8.  Julian is developing his emotional maturity, to be sure. One thing that stands out to me is his comprehension of making amends, saying he's sorry.  He understands when he needs to, but not only that, he actually feels serious regret for things. It breaks my heart a little but i also feel like this is a pivotal thing in a person's life, a mostly valuable skill and quality we should all try to develop. To see him getting it at his young age fills my heart with hope and calm for his future life. I am astounded at his grasp of this intricate concept and he is an example to me to also be quick to apologize, and he teaches me the manner in which it must be done.  It is amazing, and I am humbled.

Happy birthday to a kidlet who sings Happy Birthday to himself, louder than anyone else. And who wishes everyone else a happy birthday at his own party. Happy birthday to a kid who gets a doll house for his birthday and loves it.  Happy birthday to someone whose birth certificate tells me is three, yet I struggle to believe it.

  

Julian Quote

If he were singing in his regular voice, it would have been awesome. But because he also sings it in a low, slow Eeyore voice, I'm certain nothing could make me happier than hearing Julian sing:

Baaaby for a fiiiiirewoooork...

sean quote

It looks like your foot got grabbed by a cartoon octopus.

... when i was browsing shoes online and came to this:

He should write for J. Peterman, am I right or am I right.

Would-be Olympic Events

Alright, fellow olympianists (I'm trying to think of a term that means "Lover of olympics."  I haven't nailed it yet. Help me out.)   Let's think about all the events we've seen so far.

You have your typicals: diving, swimming, other water events, gymnastics, track and field.

You have your weightlifting and your combat events--fencing, judo, Taekwando, etc.

Classy-- equestrian, rowing, etc.

Speedwalking should probably be its own category.

Randoms, or game sports--  Skeet shooting, table tennis, badminton, trampoline.

Then you have your what-the-heys, like triple jump, that weird bike event where they start off super slow and race in a bowl, and the weirdest of all--steeplechase. What on earth?? I don't even know exactly what it entails other than one giant hurdle and jumping into a big puddle of water.  I watched it for the first time ever a few days ago and was stunned.

But I've been thinking of other possible events, would-be events, and actually, should-be olympic events.  Here's what we've come up with so far:

Tug-of-war.  I actually looked up a list of events on Wikipedia and this was an event, from 1900-1924. Awesome! *chanting* Bring it back! Bring it back!  

Roller Derby.  Are you kidding me? this is so obvious to me.  

 And on that note, (if you clicked on the link)  hoola-hooping. 

log-rolling, inspired by this gal. 

Darts.  

Double Dutch. In addition to longevity, we decided an added difficulty rating could be based on the complexity of the song/chant you choose to perform while jumping. Is it a tongue-twister? Do you have to say names in the right order? These things count.  

Arm-wrestling.  

Pogo-stick. 

Team pogo-stick, obviously.

Unicycling

Going along with that, juggling.  

Obstacle course. Can include running through tires, carrying an egg in a spoon, putting on several items of clothing and taking them off, eating a cracker and then whistling, and possibly finding a flag in a pit of slime.   

Ok, I've done some research and apparently steeplechase is some kind of obstacle course, but wouldn't mine be more fun and varied?

While trampoline was on--which, by the way, is totally what my event would be. It was so clear to me when I saw it-- Julian was busy inventing his own event.

Introducing blanket-jumping: 



I knew i'd get to the olympics somehow!

Lastly, here are some olympic suggestions my sister has.  I totally love it and am in support of this, especially having a Joe Shmo contender in every event.

Alright, what else should be events?  I know you've thought about this.

More Olympic Thoughts

First of all, what is it about watching someone achieve their olympic dreams that makes me feel like I'm achieving mine? Like a flash, a wave of emotion befalls me and I am insta-weepy. It's kinda ridiculous, but i kinda love it.  Go olympics!


Similarly, your heart breaks when you watch their dreams get crushed to the floor. It's kind of too painful, actually, and a little insensitive of them.   I mean, they're dealing with only their own heartbreak, but we're feeling it right along with them and every other broken hearted olympian. geez, take it easy on us.


Watching the women's weightlifting event, i was interested how there were zero USA contenders.  Indicative of our society and what's "cool" or "attractive"?  Perhaps.  I began thinking thoughts like, at what point in her life does a girl say, YES-- weightlifting. I'm going to devote my life to this.  I think that thought about many olympic events.  For what a pivotal moment it must be, and I wonder what led them there.   When i watched their faces in full-stress, gearing up to heave the bar up and over their heads, i thought, yeah, i could see how that would be so insanely empowering.  Like, YES. I AM STRONG.  STRONG!! That's pretty cool, in the face of what society tells us is attractive and that we should strive for it. Nonsense. I guess it's just unusual to see this kind of category of women on the telly, and I applaud.


I take back what i said about Michael Phelps.  He's alright. He's aaaalright.  However, my favorite swimmer is this guy. There's nothing better than watching someone win, who didn't think they would win. Followed closely by this girl, who's just way too cute.


A friend commented on facebook about the opening ceremonies and i commented that i loved the Chariots of Fire moment and that it should be played during all track events, and maybe just all events.  And then while i was watching the medals ceremony for the weightlifting (i guess i really liked it) guess what they played?? Before or after the anthem, Chariots of Fire!  So awesome.  Thank you, British.


I agree with everyone that the Badminton scandal is ABHORRENT.  For shame! You taint a noble sport and mock the olympics.  I'm glad they got the boot. Though, every time the Chinese lose or in this case, get disqualified, especially when they were the favorites, i get a little nervous for their return home.  :/

Here's the thing about some events. For some reason i don't like them in the olympics. I'm talking basketball, tennis, and maybe others.  Which is weird because i enjoy basketball and looove tennis. But it feels weird in the olympics. Maybe i prefer the unknowns who show up being all awesome at something, maybe sports that tons of people don't already watch with mega-rich superstars. For some reason i feel like they shouldn't be there, which is unfair. But then again, i can think of someone who should be there.


I love watching the parents almost as much as the athletes.  I can't remember what we were watching but i turned to Sean and said, "so, these people start pretty darn young. I mean, they're kids, and they just work toward this for years and years and years.[i think it was gymnastics, and the girls are babies at the height of their career] I wonder what I would do if my kid was like, 'I want to do this and I'm dead serious.'  I feel like i might be like, 'eh... are you suure? don't you want to just try a bunch of things, but mostly play outside?' "  Hopefully, if Julian wants to become an olympian, I won't hinder him.


I'm not sure how in love i am with the London 2012 logo or whatever. Like it looks like it was written in tape.  Who was in charge of that? Because if it had been me, it would have been in some Olde English font, like this:

London 2012

Am i right?

Question of the Day

How much do i love apricots for their flavor and for their ease of consumption?

Summertime!

Well, we've reached the halfway mark of the summer, and I have had some thoughts, believe it or not.  You could say this is a midsummer day's post.  

p.s. this post is dedicated to my niece who shares this title as her middle name (exclamation point included. just kidding, but what if that was true??  What if my actual given name were "Jennifer!" ha haha. Even better if your name had a question mark and you made everyone say it that way. Hi, my name is Jen?  i think i'm onto something here. )

1.  First of all, i have a pair of sunglasses.  They're black.  I don't know where they came from because they're not really mine.  But i wear them. See, I found them in my car one year, a couple of years ago. We had gone camping with some friends and it was around that time that i found them so i asked these friends if the glasses were theirs. They said no.  Really? I wondered. Because who else's could they be? i am certain i asked everyone who they could possibly belong to.  So, since no one claimed them, i wear them, cuz they're cool.  But every time i do i get a little paranoid that I will wear them around the real original owner and they will see me and know i am wearing their glasses and think me a thief.  But i tried!  So, they're kind of tainted. But i still wear them. I guess all sunglasses come with some risk, after all.

2.  I have these ice cubes that aren't really ice cubes. Hold on, Jen! you are thinking. What could you mean?  Well, i'll tell you.  They are these.   These are the handiest things i've ever purchased.  So they're water-filled plastic cubes.  You put them in your freezer and freeze them. Then, when you need a cold drink, say, lemonade, you put them in. Not only do they chill out your drink and make it fun with their frosty blues, they don't dilute your drink!!    I know!!  I'm still in italics!!  

Also, they're super handy for cooling down hot soup. You may put real ice cubes in your hot soup but guess what? Same thing, these won't dilute your soup. Also, am i going crazy or did dilute used to have two l's??  there are just some words that i am certain were spelled differently in an alternate life. 

Guess what else they're good for? Teething cubes. When they've melted down a bit.

Guess what ELSE? I put them in a little insulator bag i take on long outings and they keep the food cold and again--NO MESS!  I can't stress enough how much i love them. It might be silly, but is it? is it?

3.  I have Suave Shampoo. It smells like coconut. It smells like summer. It costs like $2.  It immediately takes me back to the summer of '01 when i in college taking some summer classes and studying by the pool every day.  It probably sticks out so much in my "smemory" (smell/memory) because i did a lot of poolin', and therefore did a lot of hair-washin'.

4.  There are few things better than a summer rainstorm.  We've had a few this summer including a real doozy. Like, lightning hitting around the perimeter of my apartment, i'm sure, and incessant booming thunder. Something i love about these storms is the beginning of them. The clouds are swarming, the sky getting darker, and oft in the distance, the thunder begins. It's a low rumble but it becomes loud and quick, far off but looming.  I looove that. And then i thought, why do i love it? And then i thought, you know what that reminds me of? A T-rex! Periodic ominous tremblings getting louder and scarier. And then i realized my question was answered.

5.  Sean has been working on a project (pictures to come) and he told me he was going to "spaint, i mean, spray paint it"  and interjected--"No no. Spaint it. Perfect."

6.  I have learned a valuable lesson this summer.  First, you should be able to recognize a hot pepper when you see one.  Perhaps assume all peppers are hot? I'm not sure. But it could save your life. Our garden neighbor friends are out of town so we're "taking care" of their garden (aka, eating all the stuff) while they're gone. I went out and grabbed two little miniature bell peppers--FALSE.  They were hot ones.  I sliced them and threw them into a bowl and forgot about it. Forgot until my fingers became literally AFLAME.  Holy shlamoli, so painful! So so painful!  We looked up remedies and they didn't work.  Luckily we had the olympics but even they couldn't distract me from my pain. It felt like demons!  The only thing i could do was rest my hand in a bucket of ice water. Finally we tried another remedy and it worked. Apparently--and remember this-- putting the firey fingers in olive oil for an hour will eventually do the trick. It hurt for a long long time so i didn't think it would work but at long last, the pain was gone, and how exquisite was the relief. In the words of Sean, "there's nothing like not being in pain."   So, take note.